South Park's Lamest Losers
by Vampiracy
Summary: Hyped up for the next big movie, the boys set out to play Avengers. Now they must assemble to face their biggest challenge yet: nobody in town wants to play with them.


**South Park's Lamest Losers**

"Team, status!"

"There are too many of them! Even the mighty Hulk can only stand for so long!"

"Friends, we can still succeed! Iron Man, do you copy? You have to take the missile up to the portal to destroy the army! I can distract my evil adopted Canadian brother Loki, but you're our only hope!"

"Bahbuhbuhbuh. KNEEL!"

"This is Iron Man, I copy! Bird in possession!"

"Pow! Boom! Kachaw!"

"Hulk SMAAAAASH!"

"Fwoosh! Zap! Crash!"

"Cooki modnsterr!"

"VROOOOOMMMM!"

"Iron Man, you did it!"

"The Chitauri are destroyed, and Loki is defeated! Good work everybody! Except Thor, he can't fight his own villains for shit."

"Stop belittling Thor you fat fuck!"

"Noooooo!"

"Guys, I'm alive! Please tell me somebody kissed me."

"Good job, team," Stan said, walking to the middle of the living room as they all came together. "Together we have saved the Earth once again!"

"Woohoo!" Kenny cheered.

"Noooooo."

"Go back to your room now Ike," Kyle said, "we defeated you."

"Eh…"

"Okay, what is it Cartman?" Kyle demanded, turning. "You were just fine with playing Avengers earlier, but you've done nothing but grumble since we started!"

"Yeah man," Stan agreed, "if you didn't want to play you should have said."

"It's not that, it's just." Cartman frowned. "We dug out our old Halloween costumes because we were excited about the new movie with Ultron, right?"

"Totally," Kenny said.

"But every time we play Avengers we just beat up Kyle's stupid brother Loki. Don't you think we're a little bigger than that?"

"Yeah, you are _way_ bigger than my brother."

"Shut up _Kahl_! I'm saying we should stop beating up Ike and start beating up _Ultron_!"

"He's kind of right," Stan said. "Loki isn't the biggest threat out there anymore."

"See?" Cartman pointed at Stan.

"The Marvel universe _is_ getting bigger," Kenny mused. "Maybe our game should get bigger with it."

"See?!" Cartman pointed at Kenny.

"All right, all right, _fine_," Kyle said, sighing as he closed his eyes. "We can expand our game. Where are we going to find an Ultron, though?"

And therein lay the question. Cartman tapped his chins, Kenny tilted his head, Kyle furrowed his eyebrows, and Stan crossed his arms. It was a puzzle.

"Wait," Stan said, suddenly looking up. "I'm not saying it'll be easy, but… I think I know where to find the perfect Ultron."

"Really?" Kyle blinked. "Then what are we waiting for? By the Hammer of Thor, let's go!"

"The Incredible Hulk is up to the task!"

"You have my armor!" Kenny chimed in.

"Shut up Kenny, this isn't Lord of the Rings," Cartman said with a sidelong glance.

"All right then Avengers," Stan raised his mighty shield. "Assemble."

* * *

"You've been burrowing a lot there, little lady," Craig noted as he sat in front of Stripe's cage. She had to be going for China with all her digging. "Do you want a treat?" he asked, then chuckled to himself. "Probably not right now. How about I put it next to your water for when you're ready?"

He went ahead and did that, reaching for the plastic bag on his desk and eyeing its contents critically. Only the best baby carrot would do. Then, just as he picked it out, there was a knock on his door.

"Craig, some of your friends are here to see you!"

"Coming Dad," he replied. Whoever it was, it could wait. Craig opened the cage, carefully deliberated on the optimal treat positioning, and then set the carrot down just to the right – and a little in front – of the water feeder. He took a few more seconds to experiment with the angle before leaving it at a very acceptable 40 degrees and closing the cage. Normally he would pet her a little too, but he was mindful not to interrupt her project. Besides, he guessed he had to go see who wanted what.

His dad said that it'd been his friends here to see him, so when Craig opened the door to see Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, he was a little less than pleased.

"What do you want."

"Craig!" Cartman exclaimed, inviting himself inside. The others followed. "Have we got a proposition for you."

"I don't have any money." Even if he did, he'd learned his lesson. Not that they looked like they needed it for whatever they were up to this time, but it didn't matter what it was; he wasn't interested. "Go away."

"Don't be like that, Craig," Stan said, putting an arm around his shoulder. "We're playing Avengers right now, and we want _you_ to join us… as Ultron."

"But Stan," Kyle gasped, "Isn't Ultron a _huge_ threat to the Avengers?"

"He is," Stan said gravely, stepping away from Craig to fold his hands behind his back and look out the window. "Ultron is the most powerful villain there is."

"He may very well be the destruction of us all," Kenny agreed solemnly.

"No," Craig said, because he really didn't want to listen to more of this.

"Now Craig," Cartman started conversationally as he walked towards him.

"No," Craig repeated. "I've played with you guys before and I've always gotten screwed over. Now you want me to play the bad guy to your good guys, where the best that could happen is I lose the game, and the worst is that I could end up in Peru again, or someplace way worse." He didn't exactly know. He was proud to say he didn't have an outstanding track record of participating in whatever it was these assholes did regularly.

"But we're giving you the chance to maybe have the chance to beat us up for all of that! It's a good deal," Cartman argued.

"Tempting. Still no."

"Please?" Kyle stepped forward. "We _need_ an Ultron, dude."

"I'm not playing with you guys," Craig repeated, again. What weren't they fucking getting? "You guys are stupid. Your games are stupid. You want to play and have fun, but then things end up getting way out of hand and suddenly you have to save the town or the world or whatever. Have you ever stopped to think that you're the _reason_ South Park is always in trouble? It's because you ruin everything you get involved in, and this entire town would be a much better place if you weren't in it."

They stared, mouths hanging open. Yeah, he thought that'd do the trick.

"Oh my god, he really is perfect," Kenny said.

Or not. What the hell? "I _just_ said I didn't like you."

"Exactly!" Kyle said, grinning widely. "So destroy us!"

"If you _can_!" Cartman challenged.

"No. I'm serious, I'm not playing."

"But- but Craig please, you're perfect!" Stan pleaded.

"Get out."

Cartman gave him a level stare. "Craig… don't be an asshole."

And that was his last straw. "OUT!"

When they finally took the hint, Craig slammed the door behind them. Man, he hated those guys.

* * *

"Well that was a bust," Kyle grumbled.

"No fucking shit," Kenny said.

"I told you guys it wouldn't work. Craig never fucking changes," Cartman complained. "We'll just have to settle on someone lamer to be Ultron."

"But he'd be so _perfect_…"

"I know, Kenny," Kyle sighed. "We all know."

Stan looked around at his fellow downtrodden Avengers. He too was feeling the sting of defeat, but to give up completely? He was the team leader, and he wasn't about to stand for it. He stepped in front of them and turned around. "Guys, we can still do this. Don't give up hope!" he rallied. "We just need to get everyone else playing. We're going to need a bigger team to stand a chance against Ultron anyway, right?"

"Hey, you're right!" Kyle's face lit up. "Once we have a bunch of other Avengers, Craig will have to be our Ultron!"

"Yeah!" Stan smiled at the support and turned to the others. "He's going to look like such an ass for rejecting us earlier, too. C'mon, what do you say?"

"I guess it could work," Kenny said, "but where are we going to get other Avengers?"

"That one's easy." It was Cartman who stepped forward, and just like that, Stan knew they were still in this. Cartman smirked. "Nick Fury."

* * *

Token stared at the four of them blandly. "So you want me to…"

"Join us and help recruit other Avengers to save the world, yeah!" Kyle smiled.

"And you want me to play as Nick Fury, specifically."

"Well I suppose you could be Falcon or War Machine if you wanted," Cartman said thoughtfully, "but I think we both know they're way less cool."

"Well, what do you think?" Stan asked.

"It's fun!" Kenny encouraged.

Token continued to stare, and finally, shrugged his shoulders. "Okay."

The quartet could barely contain their excitement. "An excellent decision, Token!" Cartman exclaimed. "Now if we just get you an eyepatch-"

"I don't want to be Fury. I want to be Spiderman."

Cartman froze. "What." He shared a look with the other three before looking back to Token. "Dude, you can't be Spiderman."

"Uh huh." Token crossed his arms, slowly. "And why's that?"

Cartman gave him a hard stare, but Token was fine with that. He could wait.

"Come on Token, Spiderman, _really_?" he said at last. "You know you can't be Spiderman because Spiderman's not-"

"An Avenger!" Kyle was quick to cut in, sending Cartman a harsh glare. "Spiderman's not _an Avenger_."

Cartman scowled briefly before covering it up with an insincere smile as he turned back to Token. "Right, right, because Spiderman's not an Avenger. Just stick to Fury, or Falcon or War Machine. That's three very exciting options! Three more than you'd have got a few years ago. So, which will it be?"

* * *

"I can't believe he slammed the door on us."

"I can't believe you couldn't let him be Spiderman."

"Is that what you want Kyle, a _black_ Spiderman?!"

"Who the fuck cares? You can't even tell under his mask!"

"Comic integrity cares, Jew!"

"Guys, can we _please_ try to work as a team here," Stan said, exasperated. "You guys always fight, and it always gets tired."

"I dunno," said Kenny, "it seems kind of novel now that they're the Hulk and Thor. It's just like the movie!" he said brightly. "They never settle it for real and everything."

"That's 'cause if it was for real Hulk would kick Thor's fucking ass," Cartman said smugly.

"He would not!" Kyle protested.

"He would so! Hulk's the strongest there is, brah!"

"Thor's a GOD!"

"Thor's a weak sissy, he can't even kill Loki!"

"That's because Loki's his brother and it's called compassion, you dumbass!"

"Exactly! WEAK!"

"What's with all the yelling?" A new voice pulled Stan away from the argument and he turned to see Wendy and Bebe approaching them on the sidewalk, shopping bags in hands.

"Hey Wendy. Kyle and Cartman are just arguing about who would win in a fight between Thor and the Hulk," Stan shrugged.

"It's Thor, right?" Kyle turned to them earnestly.

"Pfah! Like it matters what _girls_ think about it!" Cartman dismissed immediately. "…Unless they know it's the Hulk."

"Oh, real mature Incredible Fatass!"

"DON'T CALL ME FAT JEW THOR!"

The girls shared a look. "Why are boys so obsessed with who can beat who in a fight anyway? Who even cares about that stuff?" Bebe asked. "It's not like it matters who the strongest superhero is."

"It's pretty stupid," Wendy nodded in agreement. "The only thing that matters is which superhero is the _cutest_."

"Or which superheroes are the cutest _together_," Bebe added, waggling her eyebrows.

That certainly snapped the boys away from their argument. "_What_?! Fucking sick!" Cartman spat, while Kyle could only stare in horror.

"Who's Iron Man cutest with?" Kenny just had to ask.

"Captain America, generally."

Kenny looked thoughtfully over at Stan. Stan felt like he was going to be sick.

"Okay," Kyle said, slowly regaining his composure as he addressed his fellow heroes, "all in favor of pretending that conversation never happened?" Two hands shot up immediately. "Okay," Kyle said again with a nod to himself. "Wendy, Bebe, it was, er, nice running into you, but we have to go recruit more Avengers now."

"Wait, you're recruiting more Avengers?" Wendy asked with interest. "We'll play with you guys. Right Bebe?"

"Sure!" The blonde smiled.

"Ha! Hahahaha! What would you know about Avengers? Have you even _seen_ the movie?" Cartman challenged.

"Yeah, sorry Wendy, but who would you guys even be?" Stan asked with a frown. "We don't exactly have room for you." He looked between the two girls. "Both of you," he amended.

"Red's home tonight though, right?" Kenny asked eagerly.

"We _do_ need more people guys," Kyle said. "Maybe we could find a red wig like my Thor one for Bebe, and Wendy could be Hill?"

"Who?" Cartman asked.

"That one S.H.I.E.L.D. agent."

"Ooooh. Maybe…"

Wendy quirked a brow and put her free hand on her hip. "You think we want to be Widow and Hill? Really? I'd be Scarlet Witch."

"Yeah," Bebe said, taking a stance to reflect Wendy's, "and I want to be Captain Marvel!"

"Woah-ho! Watch out guys," Cartman said in a very poor stage whisper, "we're getting a _serious_ case of desperate girls who don't know what they're talking about over here."

"Yeah Wendy," Stan hesitated, trying to figure out how to put it delicately. "We do need more Avengers, but, we need more _Avengers_. It's cool that you want us to think you're cool I guess, but if we let you in then we'd have to start letting everyone make up their own superheroes and we already played that game."

Kenny nodded. "It sucked."

"We have to have," Stan frowned, "you know…"

"Comic integrity," Cartman offered.

"Right! Comic integrity. You understand, right?" Stan asked hopefully, but his efforts to soften the blow didn't seem to have worked. Not with the way Wendy was positively glowering.

"Oh, we understand all right," Bebe said sharply. "Come on, Wendy. These filthy casuals aren't worth it."

Wendy closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath. "You're right. Have fun playing _Avengers_, Stan," she said sweetly, before she and Bebe took their leave.

Once they were well beyond gone, Cartman snickered. "Girls are so stupid."

Stan sighed. "Let's just go. We have a team to put together. Maybe try for someone who will actually join us this time?"

Again the boys put their brains to work, trying to figure out just who that someone could be. This time it was Kenny who looked up, snapping his fingers. "I've got it."

* * *

There is no emotion, there is peace. And yet…

_Peace is a lie, there is only passion._

And yet, sometimes Kevin Stoley couldn't deny that he felt the pull. He stared at the monitor before him. On one side was the Republic, light and true. On the other…

He swallowed, staring intently at his cursor as it hovered over the Empire. Did he dare? He'd already reached the level cap with a Jedi. A Jedi Consular, in fact. It was time to start fresh with a new class. He knew he still wanted a lightsaber – they were too cool to not use – but that decision was an easy one. The struggle he faced now was much more difficult.

Would he be a knight for the Jedi?

Or a warrior for the Sith?

Kevin let go of his mouse and leaned back, frowning at the screen he'd been stuck on for a while now. Could he really be considering the dark side? He wasn't evil. He believed in the light, through and through. Still, he'd done all of that already; visited the Republic planets, gone through all of his personal Jedi quests. So logically, in the interest of content…

He leaned forward and grabbed the mouse again. Then he stared at the screen for a few more seconds, and groaned. Why were decisions so difficult?

"Kevin! You have some friends here to see you!"

Kevin blinked away from the monitor. A distraction? It was welcome. He swiveled away from his desk and stood. "Beam them up, Mom!"

When he saw what the four boys from his class were wearing, he was more than happy to let them in his room. "How long have you guys been playing Avengers?" he asked excitedly.

"Since this morning!" Kyle exclaimed with a smile.

"We've sent the evil Loki back to Asgard," Stan elaborated, looking just as pleased, "but now Ultron rises to power, and we must put a stop to him!"

Never mind Star Wars for now. That sounded _awesome_. "Who's Ultron?"

"Uh," Kenny frowned. "I thought you'd know. He's like, this evil robot guy-"

"I mean who's being him," Kevin said with a chuckle. Please.

"Oh. Well, we're working on that," Stan said, "but right now we're recruiting more Avengers. So, are you in?"

"Sure," Kevin agreed. "Just the standard team, or are you guys including the others, like the Secret Avengers or the New Avengers?" he asked hopefully.

Another pause. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman all looked expectantly at Kyle, who looked back to Kevin in turn. "…Yes."

Okay… "Well good, in that case, let me go get my costume."

"You have a costume already? Fucking sweet!" Cartman said enthusiastically as Kevin retreated to his closet, closing the door behind him and switching on the light.

Automatically he turned to his Spock costume first, then stopped himself with a small laugh. Sometimes he kind of wished everyone else did play Star Trek more often. Marvel was still good though, and lucky for them he did indeed have something he'd been working on for future movie releases. The nicest part was that he could pull it off with minimal effort; their color schemes matched almost perfectly. All he had to do was swap his red gloves for yellow ones, tie a yellow sash around his waist, and don the all-important red and gold-trimmed cloak he had summoned from the mystical realm known only as the internet.

One he was finished he swung open the door to his room and held out his hands in a heroic spell-casting stance. "Behold!"

Kevin smiled at their speechlessness. Yeah, it was pretty impressive, if he said so himself.

But then, Cartman closed his eyes. "Kevin, the fuck?"

"What?"

"Who the fuck are you supposed to be?"

Erm… "Doctor Strange, Sorcerer Supreme?"

Kyle frowned. "Is that anything like a taco supreme?"

Cartman got angrier. "How is a taco an Avenger, Kevin?!"

"Why?" Stan was looking up at the ceiling in despair. "Why do people keep making up heroes?"

"Guys, guys! Let's just do it, okay?" Kyle told them. "At this point we should just take what Avengers we can get. We're already out too many of the other kids."

Kevin could see why.

It didn't cheer Stan up any, but Cartman let out an exasperated sigh. "All right, fine. Let's go."

"Yeah, uh, actually," Kevin started taking off his cloak, "I think I'm just going to go back to playing on my computer."

"What? No!" Cartman protested.

"You just said you'd join us!" Kenny said, more pleadingly.

…Sigh. "Look, do you guys want to borrow some of my comics? Maybe try playing Avengers again tomorrow or next weekend, when you're a little more familiar with the stories?"

"FUCK no," Cartman answered for them. "We're not _nerds_, Kevin."

"Okay. Well I am, so I'm going to go play Star Wars. Would you kindly beam yourselves down?" Kevin watched as four sets of eyebrows crinkled as they tried to figure out whether or not his jargon was the genuine product of being a Star Trek fan or a thinly veiled insult. One of the perks of being a nerd was that he could always claim the former.

"Fine! We don't want you in the Avengers anyway!"

"Come on Cartman; guys. Let's just go." Kyle cast Kevin a look that was almost apologetic before he steered the company outside his room. Once they were gone, Kevin closed his door and changed out of his costume. He felt bad about hanging up his fantastic Doctor Strange cosplay so quickly after its debut, but he just couldn't join a team of Avengers so corrupt. It'd be like joining the dark side.

He paused.

Well. It looked like that particular quandary was solved. Jedi Knight it was.

Kevin sat down, ready to immerse himself in The Old Republic. As for those 'Avengers,' he could only feel sorry for whomever they'd try recruiting next. May the Force be with them.

* * *

"Oh, hey guys. What's up?"

"Hey Clyde!" Kenny greeted with a smile.

"Clyde," Kyle said, "take a look at us. Who do you see?"

Clyde watched as they each struck a flashy pose. This wasn't a trick question, was it? It seemed pretty obvious. "You're Thor, and that's Captain America, Iron Man, and Shrek."

Cartman's eyes narrowed. "Would you like to try again?" he growled tersely.

So he wasn't…? Okay, in that case- oh! Maybe- "That slime ghost guy from Ghostbusters?"

"NO!"

Um. "Yoda the Hutt?"

"FUCK YOU, CLYDE!"

"He's supposed to be the Incredible Hulk," Stan said quickly.

"Ohhh, so you're the Avengers."

"We are," Kenny confirmed. "Earth's mightiest heroes, at your service! And we want _you_ to join us."

Clyde frowned. "Do I have to?"

"You don't _have_ to," Kyle said carefully, "you _get_ to. We're giving you the _opportunity_ to join our team and save the world from the evils that no hero alone can face."

"Pretty sweet right?" said Kenny.

Clyde looked between the two. Well, he guessed he wasn't doing anything else today. "Okay."

"God damn it," Cartman started, "if you could stop being French for _one_ fucking second-!"

"Cartman!" Kyle hissed, "he said he'd play!"

Cartman paused. "Oooh. All right Clyde!" He smiled, but only for a brief moment before casting a sidelong glance at the others, suddenly looking worried. They all looked worried. Now _Clyde_ was starting to worry. Was there some kind of catch?

Cartman cleared his throat and folded his arms behind his back. "Well, on the behalf of the Avengers Initiative, we're glad you feel that way. We've been discussing it, and there is one hero that you are perfect for." He gave Clyde a quick once-over. "Nobody would be better, really."

"Really?" Clyde asked. That didn't sound like bad news. "Who?"

All eyes turned to Stan, who got out four brown STANdground bracelets, a pair of sunglasses, and a Nerf bow with foam arrows. "Suit up."

…Hawkeye? They thought he'd make a perfect _Hawkeye_?

"Only because Hawkeye is _so_ great," Kyle was quick to say.

"Yeah," added Kenny, "what's a team of superheroes without an archer?"

"If you think about it, isn't he really the _best_ Avenger?" Stan asked, stepping forward and holding out the props.

"I know, right?" Clyde felt a rush of excitement as he took them. "He's awesome!"

"God motherfucking damnit Clyde you _just_ said you would play! Why can't you just- wait." Cartman paused. "Wait. I'm sorry, I'm sorry- did you just say you would?" he asked carefully. "Because you think Hawkeye is cool?"

"Yeah dude!" Clyde said brightly as he checked out his new gear. "Why didn't you say I could be Hawkeye earlier?" And they thought he was perfect for it? He couldn't believe it. Like, Clyde always knew he was popular, but he never realized they thought he was _badass_.

"…Well!" Cartman said with a large smile, "Obviously you're a good judge of character. Let's go, then! Maybe you can help us convince Red to be Black Widow – because she's super awesome too, right?"

"Right!" Widow kicked fucking ass. Also she had a really nice one.

"Oh man, you guys."

"Shut up Cartman," Kyle warned.

"Welcome to the team, Legolas!" Kenny grinned.

Clyde grinned back, put on the shades, and checked himself out in the reflection of his pocket mirror. Oh yeah. _Nice_.

* * *

The evidence, _oh god_, the evidence.

Tweek clicked to the next page and lifted a cup of coffee to his lips as it loaded, trying not to be too jittery, but it was hard. Everything he knew – god – what if it was all wrong? He didn't want to obsess over this, _he didn't_, but he might not be safe. _The Earth_ might not be safe! Why was this taking so long to load?!

He looked around his living room hastily, but nothing was out of place and all of the curtains were still drawn. Then he looked back at his computer to see a problem had occurred while loading the page. Fine, he'd mostly exhausted this source anyway. There were others!

He clicked into his search engine, but paused. How long had he had this session open? It didn't matter; he closed it immediately, cleared his cache and history just in case, and opened a new private window. There. Now he could go back to investigating. There had to be signs, just, _some_ way to tell from the surface that he could work with other than the fact that they might taste like-

_Riiiiing!_

"GAH!" Oh crap, oh shit! Was it _them_?!

_Riiiiing!_

"TWEEK! Open this door right _nyeah_!"

Cartman? What was he doing here? He- he didn't sound like an imposter. Tweek hesitated, then got down from his chair to open the door just a crack.

"Hey Tweek!" Four voices said cheerfully, with another nasally "hey Tweek," following a beat after.

"Craig?" Tweek asked fearfully, opening his door further to see that it was actually Clyde with them. Whoops? They sounded the same, okay! But- why was Clyde with them? Tweek frowned, taking in his black shirt, scauses and shades. It made more sense when he looked over the rest of them and realized they were supposed to be the Avengers, except for the fat Grinch anyway. What kind of outlier was that supposed to be?

"Check it out, Tweek," Clyde smiled and lifted his bow, drawing the string back and letting it go. "Tick tick boom! I'm Hawkeye! Pretty cool, huh?"

"Oh my god," Cartman snickered, "Clyde, c'mon, stop it. Seriously."

"Are you brainwashed?!" Tweek accidentally yelled at him. He didn't mean to, it was just, he knew what happened when you started hanging out with them. Shit, he himself was their fourth friend for a while and _gah_, aside from all of the _pressure_, they got into so much trouble! And dragged him with them! And, and they just kept doing it! They dragged Craig to Peru, made Clyde and Kevin go to Somalia, _shot_ Token-! Sure most of that was just Cartman, but these guys still hung out with him and they were still bad news. And now they were making Clyde play the Avengers, which might _seem_ fine, but he saw the movie okay and- oh god.

"Your eyes!" Tweek snapped at him, "show me your eyes!"

Clyde frowned in confusion. "Dude, do you need to lie down or drink some water or something?"

"Tweek, focus!" Cartman demanded. "We're here because we need you!"

"Yeah," Stan said, "we're here to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative."

"Oh _JESUS_!" It was him! They got Clyde and now they were here for _him_! "No! No way! I'm busy!"

"You are not," Kyle said flatly.

"I am though!" Tweek insisted. And he was! "You guys," his eyes scanned the street outside his door just to make sure it was safe, "I don't think you should be playing Avengers, there's something _really_ freaky going on."

"Oh, here we go," said Cartman.

"It's not the gnomes again is it?" Stan rolled his eyes.

"No!" Why did everyone keep bringing them up like it was his _thing_? Okay maybe it was, but excuse him for being the first to discover the very real conspiracy going on there. Besides, he outsmarted them; he just didn't wear underpants anymore. Problem fucking solved. Not that it was anyone's business!

"Well then what is it?" Stan asked, having the decency to be a little bit less of an ass.

Cartman's eyes went wide. "Nine eleven?!"

"_No_!" He wasn't a retard, damnit! "It's crab people, you guys," he explained, hoping they wouldn't just dismiss him because they _were_ real! If they'd just read what he'd read…!

"Oh. What about them? I never thought they were that much of a threat, except for maybe that one time," Kyle said.

"Argh! You've seen them!?"

"Sure Tweek, but like I said they're not a big deal. Just don't let them give you a makeover. Now will you join us?"

"But, but you've seen them!" How could he not understand? "You guys, they're infiltrating us, but it's all in secret! They're kidnapping and replacing people so you can't even tell the difference, and trying to invade the Earth!"

Cartman scoffed. "We don't have time for a secret invasion Tweek, we have to deal with the age of Ultron!"

"Yeah man, don't be lame," Stan said. "Are you joining us or not?"

"Not!" Tweek shut and immediately locked the door, pressing his back against it to help slow his shaking.

He didn't know what was more terrifying, the fact that the crab people were definitely real and among them, or the fact that Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny were at it again and pulling his friends into their chaotic web, maybe by brainwashing.

Oh, _god_.

* * *

Timmy was the next one to slam the door in their faces, and after that, Red.

"Damnit!" Kyle growled, clenching his fists. "Why can't you ever shut the fuck up, Cartman!"

"Yeah dude, if you wanted Red to play with us you shouldn't have insulted Black Widow like that."

"Oh whatever Captain_ Hindsight_!" Cartman spat bitterly.

"It's America!" Stan shot back, offended.

Kyle took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself down. "It looks like we'll just have to do without a Black Widow."

"But, titties," Kenny said mournfully.

"Whateva!" Cartman threw up his hands. "We don't need a Black Widow anyway, it's not like she's actually useful! Seriously you guys, the only one who sucks more is Hawkeye!"

"Hey!" their resident Hawkeye cut in angrily. "I'm getting pretty sick of you saying my character sucks! Black Widow, too! So what if they don't have superpowers, they're both super awesome special black ops master assassins, and if you don't think Hawkeye is cool then you don't know what cool is!"

Everyone stared at Clyde after his outburst, until Cartman clutched his stomach in unrestrained laughter, breaking the tension. Or maybe adding to it.

"Cartman!" Kyle shouted.

"It just," he wiped the moisture from his eyes, "it just keeps getting funnier."

"You guys are jerks! Screw you guys! I'm-"

"Clyde, wait!" Kenny said quickly, grabbing his shoulder to stop him from going home. "Please. They just don't get it, because they have superpowers. Iron Man doesn't have any powers either, you know? It's all skill, like you; and even I need the suit to be an Avenger. You just are one. So stay with us, and help us fight Ultron? Hawkeye?"

"Yeah man don't listen to Cartman, he's an asshole," Stan said, backing him up.

"EY-!" Cartman started, but he was quickly cut off by three glares. "…That's right!" he amended.

Clyde's eyes shifted between the four of them, until finally his own glare lessened. "Okay, fine," he gave in. "But just because I like the bow!"

"You won't regret it," Kyle said, relieved.

"So who should we try to recruit next?" Stan asked the rest of the team, but through all their distracted infighting, he failed to notice another group of kids heading their way on the sidewalk until their two groups were already upon each other.

"What the hell are you supposed to be." There was no inflection in Michael's tone.

"I think they're trying to be super heroes again," Henrietta observed.

"Wow," was all Pete had to say.

Stan sighed. He'd had some luck with the goth kids before, but he knew a lost cause when he saw one.

Cartman apparently begged to differ, studying each of them keenly. "All right, all right, I guess you can be the Guardians of the Galaxy. Kenny?"

Kenny found a stick, drew a smiley face on it, and handed it to Firkle.

"What? No," Michael said. "Go away conformists."

With that he led the goths past them, all very content to have nothing to do with their game. It was only Firkle who lingered, and only so he could look up at them, break the stick in two, and drop the pieces.

That single _snap_ made Stan freeze in horror among four other sharp gasps. He… he couldn't believe it… they killed _Groot_.

"You bastards," Kyle whispered, in a voice almost as shaken as the rest of them felt.

The silence carried on as the five boys stared down at the sidewalk, none of them quite sure to say. When the seconds stretched into minutes, it was Cartman who finally looked up with a weak smile.

"Well, at least we still have Hawkeye. Right Clyde?"

Clyde looked over at Cartman, eyes narrowing. He was right to be suspicious. Cartman's smile lasted for all of two seconds before he let out a small, close-mouthed snicker.

Clyde didn't even say anything, just angrily flipped them off and stalked away, taking the bow with him.

"...God damn you suck, Cartman." Kyle said as the four of them stared after him.

"He was a shitty Avenger anyway," Cartman said, brushing it off. "Didn't even do anything."

Stan only closed his eyes. "Let's go find another."

* * *

"_O-o-h child, things are gonna get easier_," Butters sang glumly from the edge of his bed. Grounded on a Saturday. Such was his life. He didn't even know what he'd done this time, but his dad was awful sore, so he must have deserved it he supposed.

Still, he sighed. "_O-o-h child things'll get brighter_…"

Butters slumped further down to settle into his confinement, but a loud _thunk_ from his window got him sitting right back up. Now what was that?

He crawled across his bed to peer outside and saw Kenny, Kyle, and Eric looking back up at him. Curious, he slid open the window. "Well hey there fellas. What are you doing down there? It's not Halloween. …Is it?"

"It's not Halloween Butters, we're playing Avengers," a distracted voice answered from below. Butters looked straight down to see Stan rummaging around in the bushes until he pulled out his shield.

"Yeah so get down here and play with us!"

Oh hamburgers... "I can't, Eric! Thanks for inviting me an' all, but I am grounded, mister!"

"What the fuck for?" Kenny asked.

"It's the darndest thing, Iron Man. I just asked my dad if he wanted to build a snowman! But then he started gettin' all angry, so I told him if he didn't want to that's fine and I'd let it go – and then he grounded me gosh darn it!"

"…Butters, have you seen Frozen?"

"Well no, Thor, I was gonna go with my parents when they saw it but I couldn't 'cause I got grounded then too. How come?"

"No reason."

"That's tough dude," said Stan. "I guess not everyone can like it."

"Just sneak out your window and come play with us anyway!" Eric yelled.

"I'm sorry, I can't! I'll get in trouble!" It wasn't that Butters didn't want to, but he really couldn't! He hoped they'd understand!

Eric scowled though and turned to the other three until they reached some kind of unspoken agreement. Then Stan looked back up at him. "Whatever, Butters. You wouldn't be a very good Avenger anyway."

"Yeah," Kyle said.

Butters frowned at the sting of their decision. "That's not fair," he said, more to himself than to them, but they wouldn't have heard it anyway; they were already walking away, leaving Butters feeling worse than before.

He thought he'd make a real good Avenger… he just couldn't.

Sadness turned to anger as he watched the last traces of them disappear. Who were they to say who'd be good or not anyway? Why, those guys were always pushing him around and, and makin' him do stuff whether he wanted to or not – and most times he wanted to, you know? He liked playing! He just couldn't today, and suddenly that made him a bad Avenger?

It wasn't fair.

He slammed his window shut and stood up from his bed.

They had their chance. They had their chance to just accept it and leave to play another day, but no, they just couldn't let it go without insulting him. Well, fine. If that's what they thought, he didn't have to be an Avenger. Butters opened his closet.

Let's see how they liked dealing with _him_.

* * *

"What about…" Kyle pounded his hammer lightly against his palm as they walked, "Jimmy?"

"Guys, c'mon. Is Jimmy really going to do this with us?" As ideal as that would be, Stan was starting to lose hope. This was all going horribly.

"He kind of almost helped me write that killer joke that one time," Cartman offered.

"Is there anyone else left?" Stan asked.

"No one important," said Kyle.

"…Let's go." And so Stan led the team to Jimmy's, trying not to feel too despondent about the whole thing, but really, who would Jimmy even be?

Oh, wait. Winter Soldier. Yeah, that'd be good. Provided they could get him in the first place. Maybe if Cartman just didn't talk…

Of course, that became a short-lived hope as the four boys neared Jimmy's home. "Oh, what the fuck?!" Cartman ran ahead, forcing Stan and the other boys to jog after him to see what was so-

"What the fuck!" Kyle echoed from in front of him, to Stan's mild annoyance. If they'd just move out of the way, then maybe he could see what-

…The _fuck_?

The boys spread out on the sidewalk in front of Jimmy's house, finally letting Stan share witness to the absolute atrocity. Oh, Jimmy was there all right, but so was Timmy, Tweek, Clyde, some kid wearing a helmet, Wendy, Bebe, Token, and _Craig_.

And nearly all of them were dressed up.

"Wanna know how I got these _cruuu_… Wanna know how I got these cr-_craaaa_… Wanna know how I got these _cru-uuaaa_, these _cruhh_… Wanna know how I got these _crutches_?" Jimmy asked. He was wearing a purple suit and had red lipstick smudged past the corners of his mouth.

"Grundy!" a zombified Timmy exclaimed menacingly beside him.

"Gather around, heroes!" Craig said animatedly, rallying the other kids to the opposite side of the driveway. "Our foes are great, but I believe if we work together-"

"What the hell are you guys doing?!" Cartman demanded, loud enough to draw everyone's attention.

"Oh, hey guys," Craig said with a smile that didn't have Stan fooled. It didn't have him fooled for one second. "We were just playing Justice League."

"Justice League?!" Kenny sputtered.

"We asked you to play _Avengers_," Stan said with a pointed scowl.

"Uh huh," Craig said. "That's why I got everyone together to play Justice League."

"You son of a bitch!" Cartman screamed. "You're not even dressed up! And YOU!" he rounded on Token, furious. "How the fuck are you _Batman_?! You can't be Batman, Batman isn't black!"

"I'm rich," Token said, folding his arms under the cover of his long black bat cape, "I can be whoever I want!"

Cartman froze. "Fuck! That's exactly what Batman would say!"

"Even you, Tweek?" Kyle asked, strained. "What about the crab people?"

"How do you know who I am?!" he shrieked back. The red mask covered most of his face, but it did nothing to subdue the trembling. He shook his head in quick dismissal. "It doesn't matter. They can't get me if I'm the fastest man alive!"

Stan meanwhile couldn't care less about Tweek. He turned to his girlfriend with every intention of being upset, but found himself conflicted instead because wow she looked _really_ good in that. He actually forgot what he was going to say, getting lost instead in the red boots, the long legs, the blue, gold, and red one-piece that perfectly flaunted her-

"_BLEEAHHG_!"

"GROSS STAN!"

"Uuugh… Wendy," Stan wiped his mouth, looking up at her weakly. "Wendy, why?"

"I'm sorry, Stan. You guys just don't know shit about superheroes! Of course I agreed when Craig asked me to be Wonder Woman!"

"And I'm Black Canary," Bebe said slyly. Her outfit was similar to Wendy's, though it was all in black and had the addition of a small jacket and fishnet stockings. "If you even know who that is."

"So hot," Kenny whimpered.

"I know who that is," Clyde volunteered with a grin. He still had his bow, only now he was wearing a paper hat and a small face mask, both green. "Actually, isn't she together with Green Arrow?" he asked with false-innocence.

"You know? They are." Bebe went over to Clyde and slipped an arm around him casually before looking back at the rest of them. "I should probably respect _comic integrity_," she smirked.

Clyde tried to smirk too, but his smile was a tad too bright. "Don't dis archers, man."

"IT'S STILL NOT COOL!" Cartman yelled. "IT WILL NEVER BE COOL!"

"Guys, if you don't mind, we really need to be beating up the Joker and Solomon Grundy," Craig said, taking off his hat and stuffing it in his pocket. "It's a matter of world peace."

"Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well what if we _do_ fucking mind!" Cartman snapped.

"Yeah, fuck you Craig," Stan agreed. "You've done some pretty lame things before, but seriously, fuck you."

"Fellow Avengers, I think Ultron can wait – at least until we put the Justice League in its place!" Kyle declared, raising his hammer.

"Yeah! You wanna go, DC? We'll go! We'll go right here right now!"

Stan agreed with Cartman; he was ready to throw down. But just as he lifted his shield, Kenny held out his palms, and Cartman ground his fists together, the helmed kid stepped forward. Aside from the gold helmet his costume was mostly blue, with a yellow belt, gloves, and cape.

"Actually." Oh. Of course. "Our teams may be parallel, but they don't exist in the same universe so fighting each other is as impossible as it is speculative."

Kenny looked him up and down. "And you're supposed to be…?"

"Doctor Fate."

Cartman closed his eyes. "God damn it, Kevin."

"Okay guys, let's get back to the game," Craig said, cuing everyone to lose interest in them and shuffle back to their positions. Craig watched with satisfaction before turning to the four of them, eyes shining with self-involvement and douchery. "Sorry, Avengers." He pulled open his jacket, revealing a blue shirt with a large red _S_ underneath. "The Justice League has to save the world."

Then he turned away, raised his fists, and ran back over to the other kids. Stan could only listen to Craig's team gasp about birds and planes for so long before he turned away in disgust, the rest of the Avengers with him.

"Fucking weak, dude," Cartman said, but the rest of them were too defeated to respond. Cartman must have been feeling it too because he didn't say anything more, and the four of them continued along the neighborhood in silence.

Until they were cut off.

"And just where do you think _you're_ going, Avengers?" a menacing figure asked, stepping in their way and crossing his arms with tin foil gauntlets.

"Professor Chaos?" Stan asked. This kid looked almost exactly like him, except for his green cloak had a hood drawn and the only thing his mask didn't obscure were his eyes.

"No, fools! It is I, _Doctor Doom_! MUWAHAHAHAAA!" he threw his head back to cackle.

Stan stared dully.

Kyle pointed a thumb over his shoulder. "The Justice League's that way."

"Wha?" the supervillain asked with sudden uncertainty. "Buh- but I'm Doctor Doom…" It was too late. The Avengers were already leaving.

"We could… I dunno, maybe we could fight Loki again?" Kenny tried. "It's not like he's going anywhere."

"And then what? Fight him again? And again?" Cartman asked. "All we do is fight Loki, and it keeps getting lamer. We don't even have another Avenger."

"Yeah," Stan said, dragging his feet. "I mean, even if we could have gotten just _one_." He wouldn't even mind fighting Loki again, but after all that? You'd think they'd have achieved _something_.

"It'd make it at least a little more interesting," Kenny agreed with a sigh.

Then Kyle let out a small, hesitant hum.

Stan paused. "Something up, dude?"

"…Kind of," he said. Stan looked at him curiously while Kenny and Cartman stopped and turned. Kyle looked around at them all and hesitated again. "Okay, keep an open mind you guys," he cautioned, "but if we really need just one more Avenger, I think I know where to go."

* * *

Ike had just finished hacking into the Pentagon to help remotely field a crab person invasion before it went public when he heard a knock at his door. Curious, he got up to answer it, only to see Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, the Incredibly Obese Hulk, and a Taco Supreme.

He slammed the door before they could get out so much as a word.


End file.
